Author’s disclaimer: This topic is written strictly from a Biblical Christian point of view.
Grieving people can be so awkward.
As the non-grieving individual, you have a very tough mission ahead of you, if you so choose to take it, and I’m begging you to see it as more than worth it for you and the person who you are trying to encourage.
All the other hallmarks of life have a fairly similar road map that is easy and often fun to follow. Nearly everyone wishes the newly married couple “Congratulations and all the best!” at their wedding, as do people who are attending a baby shower, pouring out their love, advice, and tons of cute itty bitty clothes for babe on the way. Both of these examples are the beginning of life, which is something most tend to know how to respond to, but grief? Grief is the end of life. Grief means death, whether it be a physical, emotional, spiritual, relational, and often it is all four of these.
We live in a world that is constantly screaming the narrative that being comfortable and happy is important, so naturally when things are sad, anger inducing, depressing and hurtful, we tend to not want to share those things, but rather pull ourselves up by the bootstraps with a smile that says “I’m faking it till I make it!”. But then there are those times in life where life literally stops.
A phone call sends you to your knees in agony, with too much shock to process why you are crying uncontrollably. A visit to the Dr.’s office that was anticipated as a hopeful and good thing is horrible news. A normal day at the office turns into your last one with no notice, because they’ve decided you are replaceable and not needed anymore. A friend that you’ve known and loved for years is no longer responding to your text messages and phone calls, and you finally get the message that your friendship has died and you don’t know why.
Death and grief happens to everyone at some point in their lives, but most people are never taught how to respond to their own grief, much less be there for someone who is really and truly “in the depths of despair”, as my favorite fictional heroine Anne Shirley says with such passion and green hair.
And as if things weren’t already hard enough, the grieving person often has no idea how you can be there for them. So, what is a non-grieving person supposed to do? Below are some insights as what not to say and why. Some of these will be appropriate for most grieving situations, while others will be more specific to death, but I know my readers are intelligent and will know how to apply them in the right situation. In a separate post I will go in depth about what to do.
Before I list what not to say, please hear me when I say how imperative it is for you to take in account the grieving person’s personality and all the factors surrounding the situation before responding. Also, do not offer encouragement through the eyes of what you would appreciate, because that will most likely not be helpful at all.
- “How are you?”: This may seem like a simple and safe question for your grieving friend, but often it is the most stressful one because pretty much any question surrounding the event is stressful because of the energy that it takes to even answer a question, much less know the answer. A good alternative response would be something like “I’m here for you. I will be checking in on you, but you don’t need to respond unless you want to.” or even the more simple “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that you are going through this.”
- “They are in a better place now!” and “They aren’t in pain anymore.”: These are not helpful responses. While it may be true and should be comforting, it is not the right place or time to say this. The grieving person is not able to rationalize that heaven is a better place than here on earth with them, not to mention there are times where we truly don’t know if that person went way, way south instead. And even though they may not be in pain anymore, the grieving person is in serious pain, and you reminding them that their loved one isn’t in pain any more reminds them even MORE that they are in pain.
- “You can still talk to them whenever you want to.”: As Christians we are not to speak to the dead, but to Christ who is alive and omnipresent. Psalm 4:3 confirms this. “But know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself; the Lord hears when I call to him.” While it may not fall under channeling a loved one with occultic practices, speaking to a loved one who has died takes our focus away from Christ who never leaves nor forsakes us.
- Be careful to not project your own grief and feelings onto the grieving person: This is a tricky one because there are times when you are also grieving. One of the worst parts of my moms visitation were all the people who were crying uncontrollably and hugging us, and I didn’t know most of these people. Phrases like “I can’t believe this happened!” are usually not helpful. Do whatever you can to take yourself out of the equation, thinking only of the grieving person. Wait to lose it emotionally or talk it out after the visitation and/or funeral.
- “You will be okay.”: This should be fairly obvious as to why this is a horrible thing to say. “Will be” indicates the future for that person, and their future has changed and the world as they know it is painfully rocked. Nothing is okay in that moment. Nothing will be okay for a while.
- Don’t share your own grieving experiences unless asked: This falls under “checking your grief and feelings at the door”, putting the focus on the person in pain.
My dear friend Kathryn told me that there is no manual for going through grief. The same can be applied to the person who desires to encourage a loved one going through through a tragedy. One of the most frustrating things I’ve heard over and over and over again is “Everybody grieves differently.” While this is a true fact, it makes it so complicated because often the grieving person doesn’t even know all the ways that they are grieving. Therefore it isn’t your job to make them feel better, but to let them know you are there, standing next to them in their pain and uncertainty.
As Christians, can we start normalizing grief? Instead of jumping to the “happy” Psalms, why don’t we spend time in the Psalms of lament and the whole book of Job? I know with certainty that if we spent less time avoiding what is uncomfortable and unknown, we would be more effective in the body of Christ. Death isn’t normal; Death is a result of sin. There is a reason why we don’t celebrate it like a retirement party. My mom always talked about having balloons released at her funeral and would say “I want it to be a party! I don’t want people to be sad. It’s a celebration!” But this is something only the not-yet dead can say. And yes, she got her balloons.
May our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ give you the wisdom and discernment to love the grieving well, while simultaneously moving your heart to embrace the uncomfortable unknowns in your own life.
