In my last post I shared about what not to do and say to a person who is grieving; this post details ideas of how to bless and not stress the grieving.
Before I get started with the “how to” of this topic, I want to stress the importance of being observant and sensitive to the person’s personality, your relationship with them, things they appreciate and don’t appreciate, and very importantly (though not more important) the type of death they are grieving. Did they have time to prepare for the death? Was it a sudden and shocking tragedy? These are really important questions to ask yourself when choosing a way to encourage your loved one during a hard time.
The grieving person often does not how you can help them, as they likely don’t even know what they need. Using discernment with the person and situation, offer practical help like bringing a meal, getting the kids from school, running an errand, and my favorite: just sitting with them. If you sense that they don’t know how to answer the question, seek out a spouse or close person to the grieving individual and get their insight.
When my mom died suddenly and tragically in the summer of 2021, our church family didn’t necessarily ask a lot of questions, they just did the things. They knew we had cats, so someone jumped in to feed and care for the cats. They were aware that it was going to be a longer trip for us, so our lawn care passionate pastor immediately thought about making sure someone came to mow our lawn. I mentioned to a dear friend of mine that I didn’t get a chance to clean our bathroom (I hate coming home to a dirty bathroom), and I came home to a clean home. Our freezer and fridge were absolutely stocked with meals that lasted well over a month and a half.
Sometimes just doing it is tremendously helpful to the grieving, because they feel like they can’t do practically anything at all. Time has stopped, memory is fuzzy, exhaustion is high, fatigue becomes the new norm. To have people in your life who put their love into action is an incredible blessing.
Here are some additional ideas for your personal “How can I help?” arsenal.
- Text them Scripture and links to encouraging songs
My ability to pick up the Bible and feed myself Scripture after my mom died and then my brother died several years later, was pretty much non-existent. Opening Scripture meant that I had to make effort to read something, which, for me, was not a possibility at that time, because it involved concentration. I think it is safe to say that grieving people on a whole are not able to concentrate very well, so reading books or learning something new is really not an option.
One of the ways that the Lord provided His truth and comfort to me was through the multiple text messages of Scripture and links to hymns/songs that were comforting. Having Scripture spoon fed to me and short songs to listen to absolutely carried me.
- Give cash and gift cards to common restaurants and convenience stores
Traveling last minute is extremely financially stressful. In fact, if it wasn’t for my loving stepdad and my husbands Godmother, we wouldn’t have been able to go to either of my family members funerals. Maybe someday we will have a reserve of cash saved for these types of things, but if you are like us, that simply isn’t there during this season of our family life.
- Put the one-month anniversary of loss on your calendar
The grieving person gets absolutely and completely overwhelmed with so many responses from people when a tragedy strikes. However, it is very common for their to be crickets a month and beyond, because people get busy and people forget. The reality is for most people who are grieving, the hardest part is when life resumes after the funeral; when they have to show up for life without that person.
My time working in Hallmark primed me with the reality that for every major holiday celebration there are many more than are grieving the loss of someone or something. The first holidays after a death are often very difficult for the grieving, especially because everyone else seems to be lit up with happiness like a tacky over decorated house on a Christmas light drive.
- Put the anniversary of loss on your calendar
Put it on your calendar to reach out right before and after the one year anniversary of the loss:This can be a phone call, a text, a card, or reaching out to get a cup of coffee. For the grieving, time is ancient history for everyone else but it feels like last week for them.
I pray this is helpful for at least one! Please let me know in the comments if you have anything to add to this list.
